LIBRARY OF CONGRESS. 

SfrelfX-l--. 

L6 3 



UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. 



/ 

By KATHERINE E. CONWAY. 




BOSTON: 

PILOT PUBLISHING COMPANY. 
1895. 



Copyright, 1895, 
By Katherine E. Conway, 



All righis reserved. 




OTHER BOOKS BY THE 
SAME AUTHOR. 



A Dream of Lilies. 

Poems. Second edition. 

Watchwords from John Boyle O'Reilly. 

Edited and with estimate. Fourth 
edition. 



Press of John Cashman & Co., 



611 Washington Street. 



Co 

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©{its Ltttfe iScofc, 



CONTENTS. 



I. — The Long-Lived Written Word 7 

II. — Business Letters 10 

III. — Courtesy and Kindness in all Letters ... 15 

IY. — Food for Your Waste-Basket 20 

V. — What of the Postal Card 22 

VI. —Family Correspondence 27 

VII. — One Safe Confidential Correspondent ... 32 
VIII. — Letters One would Fain Recall .... 37 

IX. — A Question of Common Sense .... 41 

X.— Misunderstandings by Mail 46 

XI. —When Silence is Golden 51 

XII. — Letters of Courteous and Loving Duty ... 59 

XIII. — What to do with Anonymous Letters ... 64 



A LADY AND HER LETTERS, 



C&e ions-itbeif WLxitttn ©Sort, 




VERYBODY has to write letters. 
Some one of the hundreds of 
letters which the most ordinary 
individual will write in the course 
of his life- time, may make or mar 
his whole career. Every letter 
of the hundreds will have its 
own influence for or against his advancement or hap- 
piness. Every one, therefore, should know how to 
write letters. 

Should the composition classes and literary courses 
in our schools, the post-graduate literary societies and 
reading circles, of after years, accomplish nothing but 
to fit the man and woman of average intelligence to 



8 



A LADY AND HER LETTERS. 



perform well this necessary and frequent duty, they 
would nevertheless more than justify their existence. 

It seems a simple thing to write a letter. Granting 
that one knows how to write and spell and construct 
a sentence, there should be, it would seem, no further 
difficulty. Yet of a multitude of clever, fairly edu- 
cated people, how few are adepts in the fine art of 
letter-writing ! 

Why is it so ? Do our teachers, in giving the rules 
for acquiring the power of expression in writing for- 
get to emphasize their most ordinary and necessary 
application ? The topics set for a school-girl es- 
pecially are often too formal, or too remote from her 
every-day interests and sympathies. Why task her 
with writing "A Parallel between the Characters of 
Napoleon and Washington," or an essay on " The 
Manners and Customs of the Ancient Egyptians " — 
we are drawing from real life — when she might far 
better be set at framing an invitation to luncheon or 
dinner and the answer thereto ; an application for a 
position, or the response to an employer's advertise- 
ment for assistants ; or, for the development of de- 
scriptive powers and a slight indulgence to sentiment 
and fancy, a letter to a friend, describing the most 
eventful week in the writer's summer vacation ? 



A LADY AND HER LETTERS. 



9 



So much of character and breeding is inevitably 
revealed in letters, that too great pains cannot be 
taken that the revelation be not discreditable and 
damaging. 

Most of the counsels that apply to the spoken word 
of virtuous and well-bred people, apply with even 
greater force to the written word. For the spoken word 
may be half-heard, or forgotten ; but the written word 
remains ; and may come back in the most unexpected 
time and manner, either to the praise or the confusion 
of the writer. 

It behooves one, therefore, to know well what she is 
about when, to quote from the old-fashioned exordium 
to the letters of simple people, she " takes her pen in 
hand." 



II. 



iSttameas letters* 

BUSINESS letter should be as 
brief as is consistent with clear- 
ness, precision, and courtesy. It 
should be neatly and legibly 
written, and dated and signed 
with the utmost formality. 
Introduce no irrrelevant matter. If a lady has been 
hindered from keeping an appointment with her legal 
adviser at 3 p. m., she should not write a long letter to 
say that she had an appointment with her dentist at 
2 o'clock, and it was so much more trying than she 
expected, and she was really ill, and had to go right 
home. Let her simply say that indisposition hindered 
her from keeping her appointment ; and make up her 
mind to avoid so awkward a conjunction of appoint- 
ments another time. 

If she is ordering goods of any description by 
letter, her order should be written fully and clearly, 
the address at which they are to be delivered and the 

xo 




A LADY AND HER LETTERS. 



1 1 



date on which they are desired, given with scrupulous 
accuracy, and a copy of the letter kept, until after the 
order has been satisfactorily filled. 

If a mistake should be made in filling the order, 
let her see first if, perhaps, her own carelessness in 
ordering may net be in some sort responsible. In 
any event, the mistake must be courteously indicated. 
No matter how aggravating the blunder or the delay, 
she will not write a petulant nor an angry letter. And I 
can hardly think of an occurrence which would justify 
a letter of complaint of the subordinate with whom 
one may have had business correspondence, to his or 
her employer. 

Nowhere are definiteness, accuracy, legibility, neat- 
ness, and courtesy more necessary than in the corre- 
spondence between an applicant for employment and 
her possible employer. The fate of her application 
not seldom depends on her first letter. 

A lady will hardly engage for governess, companion 
or secretary, the candidate whose application is care- 
lessly worded and scrawled in a slovenly hand on 
vulgar stationery. 

The business man will not be prepossessed in favor 
of the would-be clerk who forgets to date her letter, 
and who reverses his initials on the superscription. 



12 



A LADY AND HER LETTERS. 



The literary aspirant should never imagine that an 
illegible handwriting will pass for a sign of genius, 
She would better have her MS. typewritten. She will 
not help her case with the editor by telling him that 
it's a first attempt — he will probably discover that in 
a moment himself ; or that she has just " dashed it 
off " in a moment of enthusiasm ; or that she wants it 
published, because her father or her husband sub- 
scribes for the paper, and she would like to give them 
a little surprise ; or that she is greatly in need of 
money, and would like to have, by return mail, what- 
ever her MS. may be worth. 

Neither will she pave the way for a favorable judg- 
ment by telling him that a large circle of intelligent 
friends admires her work and urges its publication* 
There is no salvation for her literary efforts save in 
their own intrinsic merit, and the editor reserves the 
right to judge of that. There is nothing to be done 
but to send the MS., legibly written and addressed 
and sufficiently stamped, with a stamped and addressed 
envelope for its possible return trip to the sender. 

A woman's good sense and good breeding are in- 
dicated in her choice of stationery, whether in business 
or friendly correspondence. She does not use pink 
or green or other high-colored stationery; nor the 



A LADY AND HER LETTERS. 



13 



gilt-edged, nor fantastically shaped varieties. White 
or cream-tinted stationery, of smooth finish and firm 
texture, and ordinary size is always safe. Monograms 
and sentimental devices should be avoided. A lady 
with much correspondence does well to have her home 
address stamped at the head of her note and letter 
sheets. She should write with good black ink. 
Colored inks are in bad taste. 

One can hardly be too scrupulous in the matter of 
dates, signatures, and addresses, especially in business 
correspondence. Don't write at the head of the sheet, 
" Boston, Thursday," giving your home address some- 
where in the body of the letter. Write, rather for 
example, " 1 Grosvenor Park, Boston, Nov. 15, 1894." 
A married lady should not use her husband's name in 
her signature. She signs herself " Ellen T. Mortimer," 
not " Mrs. John M. Mortimer." In writing even to 
an absolute stranger, she signs as above, writing at 
the foot of the sheet, Address, Mrs. John M. Mortimer, 
or enclosing her card. 

An unmarried lady writing to a stranger, may indi- 
cate how she is to be addressed, either by enclosing 
her card, or putting Miss in parenthesis before her 
signature. 

We need say nothing about the odious brusqueness 



14 



A LADY AND HER LETTERS. 



sometimes affected by very young women under the 
impression that it is " business-like," of preluding 
their signature with " Yours, etc. " ! 

One has always time to write " Yours truly," " Yours 
sincerely," "Yours respectfully," all of which are 
proper forms according to the relative positions of 
writer and recipient in business correspondence. 




III. 



Courts? anil femUness in all Letter** 

HE well-bred woman has sometimes, 
like every one else, disagreeable duties 
to perform ; among them, the writing 
of business letters which she would 
rejoice not to be obliged to write. 
But she differs from other women in this, that she can 
do her disagreeable duties courteously. She may have 
to remind a debtor of his indebtedness, but she will 
phrase her letter so that while her meaning is clear, 
he will not be harassed nor humiliated. 

The truly well-bred woman is a patient creditor. 
She does not lend money recklessly, leaving her own 
debts unpaid ; but when she has made a loan, she 
does not make the life of the person she has obliged 
a burden until the debt is liquidated. 

She does business transactions in a business-like 
way. It is unlikely that she will ever be asked to 
advance a large sum of money without security. 
However good the security may be, the borrower 

»5 




1 6 A LADY AND HER LETTERS. 

assumes not only the money debt, but a debt of grat- 
itude as well ; and if he or she be of an honorable 
nature, it is not at all likely that the latter debt will 
be forgotten, even after the former has been paid. 

So it is not necessary to rub the obligation in till 
the flesh of the debtor tingles. 

Let any of us who are blessed with abundance of 
this world's goods be large-minded in our dealings, 
especially with the less favored. Having loaned the 
money, and been duly secured, let us forget the inci- 
dent till the note comes due. If it be not promptly 
paid, wait a little for an explanation ; and if it be 
deemed necessary to write, be kind ; assume that there 
is a good reason for the delay. If some excuse is 
offered, and more time is asked, accept the excuse and 
grant an extension of time, if you possibly can. Do 
it magnanimously ; not meanly and grudgingly. 

If aught has happened between the lending of the 
money and the time of its coming due, to make it very 
necessary or desirable that you should have it at once, 
say so courteously. But don't press a poor debtor, 
either by nagging letters, or threatening letters ; nor 
proceed to extreme measures with any debtor, unless 
you have the gravest reason to believe that you are 
being victimized by some one who can without diffi- 
culty pay his debt. 



A LADY AND HER LETTERS. 



*7 



This is not business-like advice, perhaps, but there 
is a higher thing than business ; and if you have abun- 
dance of means and the delay, however long, of money 
loaned, means not a deprivation of comforts, but, 
at worst, a little retrenchment in luxuries, choose 
rather to be known before God and man as lenient 
and forbearing — though the shrewd call you foolish 
— than praised as a hard-headed businesswoman who 
can't be fooled. 

Should your debtor be a conscientious, high-minded 
woman, who really wants to pay you, and is delayed 
by unforeseen illness, family troubles, want of work, or 
anv such things, think of her shame and humiliation, 
renewed again and again at every one of those curt, 
mortifying notes, which are so easy to write and so 
hard to read. 

It is your right? — Yes ; but mercy is higher than 
justice ; and you are suffering nothing by your tempo- 
rary inconvenience in comparison with what she is 
suffering for being the cause of it. 

Don't write high-handed dunning letters ; don't 
remind a debtor of the gratitude she owes you ; don't 
do any of the brutal, cruel things which the rich or 
well-to-do have in their power against the needy or 
the lowly, without first reading Christ's parable of 



A LADY AND HER LETTERS. 



the servant to whom the debt of ten thousand talents 
was forgiven, and who thereafter put his fellow-servant 
in prison for a debt of one hundred pence. 

" But," say certain possible readers, " comparatively 
few of us are rich women. We are not in a position 
to make loans of a thousand, or even a few hundred 
dollars ; so that what you say about ' good security,' 
'forbearance/ 'extension of time/ etc., doesn't apply 
to us. We are not called upon to practise the mag- 
nanimity you urge on us. Our little money trans- 
actions deal with dollars or even fractions of dollars, 
where it would be absurd to raise serious business 
questions." 

True ; but the counsel to delicacy and forbearance 
in the matter of five hundred dollars applies equally 
to twenty or even to five ; for these qualities are as 
often absent in the creditor for the small as for the 
large amount. 

It is true that the habit of borrowing is an exceed- 
ingly bad one, and that the chronic borrower should 
be discouraged for his or her own sake ; but occasions 
will arrive in the lives of the best and most independ- 
ent, when they will need, for a mile or two of the road, 
a helping hand, and if we are now able to give it, can 
we say that the day will never dawn when in turn we 
shall need it ? 



A LADY AND HER LETTERS, 1 9 

We remember a conscientious woman who borrowed 
fifteen dollars from a near friend to tide over an emer- 
gency which had to be met before the money could be 
be earned. She had counted on repaying within a 
month ; but a few days after the loan had been made, 
she had a long letter from the lender, detailing sundry 
little losses which she had had through the careless- 
ness of a servant, and closely estimating the money 
damage ; narrating also, the inconvenience she was 
at, through small sums owed by friends, etc. The 
fifteen dollars was still a week out of the reach of the 
debtor ; but it was the longest week she ever knew. 

If one has made these small loans, it is mean beyond 
expression to gossip about them with other friends, 
either in speech or letter ; for in the case of debtors 
sure to repay you, you needlessly betray their trust and 
impair their credit ; and in the case of careless debtors 
or those lacking conscience, you reveal your own weak- 
ness in trusting them, without helping your chances of 
getting your money back. 



IV. 



JFooU far gattt WLmtz-^K&kzU 

OMEN of known wealth, and successful 
professional women often receive bor- 
rowing letters — or to call them prop- 
erly, begging letters- — from absolute 
strangers. 

These usually run something after this fashion : — 
Dear Madam — Though but a short time in the city, 
I have heard on every side of your magnificent gener- 
osity. You are universally esteemed as a humanita- 
rian of the noblest type. This encourages me, a 
stranger, to appeal to you for a small temporary assist- 
ance. I have seen better days ; and am now main- 
taining myself and my two children, by the exercise 
of those gifts which formerly delighted a s'elect social 
circle. Can you lend me twenty dollars till the next 
quarter of one of my wealthy music-pupils comes due. 
I have to go to my sick, perhaps dying, husband at 
Walnutville. I can send you for security an ancestral 
jewel of great value. It is in my husband's posses- 
sion, etc. Your suffering fellow-woman, 




A LADY AND HER LETTERS. 



2 I 



It is strange that any woman of even relative ma- 
turity and experience should fall a victim to a letter 
like this, but it is true that such an appeal entraps 
many a victim. Women are soft-hearted, and the 
reference to one's reputation for generosity is irresist- 
ible, even to women who think they are not vain. 

The place for such letters is the waste-basket. 
But, if you have a lingering fear that you may be 
neglecting a God-sent call, take the trouble to investi- 
gate a little first. Otherwise don't demand sympathy 
if you are taken in. 

A lady does not borrow of any one without the 
extremest need, and when she has contracted a loan 
she scrupulously retrenches unnecessary expenses 
until she has repaid it. 

But she never appeals to utter strangers for loans. 
This is a trick, resorted to either by utterly unsophis- 
ticated and ill-balanced young women, or — and this 
more commonly — by hardened adventuresses. 



V. 



Wat of tfte postal Cart? 

HEN is it permissible to use a pos- 
tal card ? " asks a young friend. 

" My dear," replies an old- 
fashioned gentlewoman, who looks 
in on us occasionally, " I never 
yet have been able to bring my- 
self to use one of those wretched things." 

We sympathize with the dear lady's sentiment, for 
the most part ; for, with letter postage at two cents, — 
to put matters on the lowest plane — there is scant 
justification for using postal cards, even on the score 
of needful economy. 

But the postal card has a few well-defined and 
permissible uses. 

In these days of numerous and large feminine 
organizations, the secretary of a society may notify 
members of meetings by postal card. 

One may, with one's own family or a very familiar 
friend, announce by postal, the despatch of a box or 

22 




A LADY AND HER LETTERS. 



23 



parcel by express, especially, if the latter contain a 
letter. Or, under the same conditions, and if greatly 
pressed for time, one may mention the train by which 
one expects to arrive from a short journey. 

If some one writes for information which can be 
given in a word or two, — enclosing an addressed 
postal for the answer, a lady will use the postal ; for, 
to do otherwise, would be to reflect on the manners 
of the sender. 

And here, we think we have exhausted the uses of 
the postal among well-bred people. 

The postal, in the above cases, must contain nothing 
but the briefest business statement ; no address but 
the superscription ; no terms of endearment, no dimin- 
utives in signature ; not a syllable of news nor other 
irrelevant matter. 

Here is a good form — 

Miss Amanda Jones, 
325 Lake Ave., 

Rochester, N. Y. 

(On reverse side), 

Boston, Dec. 19, 1894. 
Box despatched this afternoon by American Ex- 
press Company. Mary Jones. 



24 



A LADY AND HER LETTERS. 



To write on a postal card particulars of your 
health, inquiries for the health of others, bits of 
domestic news or local gossip, Christmas greetings, 
etc., is about as vulgar as it would be to stand on the 
public street, and call out such information or in- 
quiries to a friend on the other side. 

And yet, many women who mean well, and who 
would be greatly surprised and grieved if they 
imagined a doubt were raised as to their good- 
breeding, constantly do these things ! 

The feminine passion for postals has even worse 
possibilities. 

Have we not seen a check for one hundred dollars 
and the kind and courteous letter in which it was 
enclosed, acknowledged on a postal ! As a receipt, 
it would stand in law, of course ; but who would feel 
much desire to cultivate a closer acquaintance with 
the person capable of sending it ? 

Have we not seen a Christmas gift acknowledged 
on a postal card, so closely covered with minute par- 
ticulars of the sender's health, that it was difficult to 
decipher it ! As if any one able to perform this feat 
of chirography on a card, might not have done it on a 
letter-sheet ! 

Have we not seen the birth of a son and heir 



A LADY AND HER LETTERS. 



announced by postal ! Can't we recall two women — 
friends — old and experienced enough to know better 

— interchanging frequent accounts of their respective 
summering at beach and mountain, with allusions 
even to their " Cavaliers," as they called them, — on 
postal cards ? Have we not seen the postal in which 

— of all things — one woman conveyed to another 
her opinion of a third person's discourtesy? 

Here is a specimen of the postal card sentimental, 
so to speak, which is almost a literal transcript from 
life : — 

Feb. ii, 1894. 

Dear Friend : Your sweet letter came the other 
day, and now with the twilight shadows falling about 
me, I send you this little line of acknowledgment and 
affectionate greeting. May Heaven bless you. . . . 

One would not be overwhelmed with surprise at 
getting congratulations on one's marriage, per postal, 
from the writer of the above. 

It is a question with well-bred people, whether any 
postals, except the exceedingly few that are permis- 
sible, as described, deserve answer or notice in any 
way. At all events, something should be done to stop 
careless and inconsiderate people from loading the 
mails with such matter. 



26 



A LADY AND HER LETTERS, 



" But," pleads somebody, " they're so handy ; and 
bad taste isn't a sin, I should hope, that it should be 
denounced so severely." 

True; but bad taste is a sort of danger signal that 
indicates people, who, if duty does not bind us to 
them, it is well for us to avoid, lest they become 
stumbling-blocks to us. 

Says Lilian Whiting in her " World Beautiful " : 
" A fault of taste ... is rooted in personality. It is 
the external manifestation of an internal defect. . . . 
It is not the result of an impulse of the moment, of 
a flash of temper, or some erratic and temporary 
emotion ; it is simply a thing that reveals the grain of 
life, its very quality." 

But defects of taste, like all other defects, can be 
overcome, if their possessor be observant and not too 
strong in self-love. 



VI. 




JFamtlp Correspondence. 

HAT a delight to the homesick 
sojourner in a distant city or a 
strange land are long, minute, 
and warm-hearted letters from 
home ! And a delight at least 
equal to the home-dwellers, espe- 
cially if their circle of relatives 
and friends be small, and their 
lives uneventful, are the letters from the absent dear 
one, descriptive of a larger life and of unfamiliar 
scenes and customs. 

Such interchange of letters between the separated 
members of a family tends, more than anything else, 
to keep warm and bright the glow of family affection. 
How sad to see those who were nursed at the same 
breasts, brought up to adolescence under the same 
roof, drifted hopelessly apart in mature years and 
even ignorant of one another's whereabouts ! 

" Somehow, we stopped writing and lost sight of 
one another," is the common explanation. ^ 



28 



A LADY AND HER LETTERS. 



Once, and not so long ago, it was only the sons 
who went afar " to seek their fortune," as the fairy 
stories have it The daughters almost never changed 
the town or city of their home, much less their native 
skies, except through marriage. 

But now it is quite as likely to be the daughter as 
the son of the family of limited means, who goes 
away to accept a more remunerative position than she 
can get in her birthplace. Then, with the reduced 
rates and improved facilities for foreign travel, many 
young women have the chance of a trip abroad. 

Whatever her duties or her pleasures, the absent 
one should make time for at least weekly letters to 
her family. And to whom should the most of these 
letters go ? Surely, if the father and mother are liv- 
ing, to them first of all. 

To say nothing of the evidence of unkindness, 
there is hardly a surer proof of inherent vulgarity in a 
family than the disposition to overlook the parents. 
The young woman who thinks that, because her 
mother is advanced in age, she needs in the way of 
dress little more than a decent covering, since " she 
never goes anywhere, anyhow," is reasonably certain 
to address her letters home to her favorite sister or 
brother, or mayhap to her chum outside the family, 



A LADY AND HER LETTERS. 



2 9 



on the plea that " Mother hardly ever writes a letter 
herself," and that Frank, or Sadie, or Nellie, will tell 
her anything of interest. 

If she could know what a pride and joy a letter all 
to herself would be to the dear old mother, and how 
soon that mother would develop into an excellent 
correspondent, I think her action would be different. 

With women, in most cases, friends and interests 
fall off, as life advances. The mother, especially, is 
likely to get out of relation with her own early friends 
during that long period — the best years of her life — 
that are absorbed by the care of her young children. 
In this way, perhaps she falls a little behind the times. 
Her interests are narrowed to the home-circle. 

By-and-by, her children leave the home-nest, or be- 
come largely occupied with interests outside the home. 
How sad for the mother if she is made to feel that 
she can be no longer companionable to her children, 
now that her immediate use to them is over ; if they 
are the first to punish her for the consequences of the 
sacrifices which she has made in their behalf ! 

Write often to the mother. W T e remember an aged 
lady who was kept in the closest interest with the 
topics of the day, and who developed into a regular 
and most interesting correspondent through the neces- 



3° 



A LAD Y AND HER LETTERS. 



sity of answering the frequent letters of an absent son 
and daughter. If they could have realized the zest 
their letters gave to her declining years, and the 
pleasure she took in obtaining information which they 
requested, and writing her detailed accounts of the 
home doings, they would have been more than repaid 
for any slight effort involved in the keeping up of a 
frequent correspondence. We do not, of course, mean 
to suggest the exclusion or limitation of other inter- 
change of letters ; but only to say that the true lady is 
always minutely considerate of her own ; that she 
never slights her parents while God leaves them to 
her ; and that if her time for correspondence be 
limited, she thinks of them most frequently. 

Letters home, to whomsoever addressed, should be 
kind and cheerful, and as interesting as one's oppor- 
tunities permit one to make them. Never write 
sharply or pettishly. The written word, implying 
always, as it does, some degree of premeditation, is 
vastly more cruel than the unkind spoken word. 
Never write unnecessary bad news. Don't, for ex- 
ample, write from Chicago to Boston of that little 
indisposition which probably will have vanished before 
your letter reaches its destination. Don't write of 
your trifling disappointments, nor of the accidents 



A LADY AND HER LETTERS. 



31 



that can be repaired. And these cautions hold good 
also for the letters from home to the absent one. 

The poor Irish widow sending news to her son in 
America, in Ellen Forrester's touching little poem, is 
a model of kindly forethought : — 

" Tell him the spotted heifer calved in May ; 

She died, poor thing ; but that you needn't mind; 
Nor how the constant rain destroyed the hay; 

But tell him God to us was ever kind, 
And when the fever spread the country o'er, 
His mercy kept the sickness from our door. 

" Be sure you tell him how the neighbors came 
And cut the corn and stored it in the barn; 

'Twould be as well to mention them by name — 
Pat Murphy, Ned McCabe and James McCarn, 

And big Tim Daly from behind the hill ; 

But say, agrah — Oh, say I missed him still." 

Separated dear ones may suffer an immense amount 
of unnecessary pain, through want of knowing what 
not to write in their letters. 



VII. 



©tie H>afe Confidential Comaponient. 

ORETHOUGHT and consideration 
do not, however, imply want of 
confidence. 

The young woman, far from her 
kindred, in a strange city, needs a 
trusty confidant. If she be wise, 
her letters home, especially her 
letters to her father or mother, will be the safety-valve 
for her natural desire for sympathy. It is dangerous 
to open one's heart to the chance acquaintance of 
boarding-house, or place of employment. 

It will do much more for the young stranger than 
merely to relieve her mind, if she accustom herself 
to full and frank communication with the dear ones 
at home. 

Writing to her mother, she need never fear to be 
accounted tiresome nor egotistical. While, as we 
have already said, she should not trouble that sensi- 
tive, anxious heart with minute accounts of trivial and 

33 




A LADY AND HER LETTERS. 



33 



transitory ailments, nor disappointments nor accidents 
which will be comforted or repaired before her letter 
can reach its destination, still in all matters of con- 
sequence, in all cases where she feels the need of 
counsel, let her write freely to the one who is 
ordinarily the most patient, prudent and sympathetic 
of confidants. 

If she has gone away in quest of a better livelihood, 
let her tell her mother all about her work ; its advan- 
tages and disadvantages ; the associates it gives her, 
her employers, her remuneration, her progress. Some- 
times, progress is very slow, and the worker cannot 
imagine why others are promoted while she remains 
stationary. If she has been frank with her mother, 
perhaps that patient and experienced friend can show 
her, without hurting her self-esteem, where her want 
of diligence or tact is keeping her back. 

Don't be selfish and shrewd with your family. 
Don't suppress your successes in writing home, lest 
they ask a little more help at your hands than you 
want to give. Perhaps there is an unthrifty brother 
or sister, who is, as such a one is likely to be, the 
mother's darling solicitude, and for whom you may be 
imposed upon a little. 

Even so, let not the first knowledge of your improv- 



34 



A LADY AND HER LETTERS. 



ing fortunes come to your parents from strangers. 
Be large-hearted, and give what help you can, even at 
some personal inconvenience or sacrifice. There will 
come a day when the remembrance of a little selfish- 
ness and adroitness with one's kindred will give no 
pleasure. 

We do not mean to excuse the practice common in 
some families of putting too large a share of the com- 
mon burden on one ; nor of feeling that the successful 
one should have little personal advantage out of his 
or her success. Nor do we question the existence of 
occasional cases where entire confidence is impossible. 

But ordinarily, there are ways of meeting the con- 
tingency above suggested in a frank and kindly spirit. 
The mere fact of being away from home, enables one 
to draw more firmly the line between sweetly rendered 
duty and pernicious self-sacrifice. 

But while telling your successes, don't exaggerate 
them, nor raise on slight foundation, hopes that can- 
not be realized. 

Be frank, too, about the social side of your life. 
Here the greater knowledge and sympathy of a 
mother may be of inestimable value to the young 
woman who is making her way among strangers. 

Higher social opportunities may come to the daugh- 



A LADY AND HER LETTERS. 



35 



ter than have fallen to the mother's share ; and com- 
plexities may arise for which her humbler experience 
affords no parallel. But human nature does not 
change; and on all serious things, the mother's 
counsel is sure to be worth having. 

In the matter of love-affairs, real or imaginary, the 
young woman of expansive temperament will save 
herself untold mortification and perhaps serious 
trouble, if — at least until after she has had an 
unmistakable offer of marriage — she will restrict her 
written confidences to her mother. 

Let the letters from home to the absent one be 
equally candid and kindly. A long, affectionate 
cheery letter from home on a gloomy and troubled 
day, may be a turning point in a young life. 

Answer her letters in detail. Show interest in her 
struggles, and pleasure in her successes. Don't 
imagine that the smallest details of the home-life — 
the new carpet in the parlor, Julia's first party-gown, or 
the visit of John's chum, or the school-triumphs of the 
smallest brother or sister, or the flourishing condition 
of mother's house- plants, or father's vacation week, 
are not worth writing. Tell her about the friends who 
call at the house. Forget no message that shows she is 
affectionately remembered in her girlhood's home. 



36 



A LADY AND HER LETTERS. 



Do your share in strengthening those bonds which 
should be so flexible and finely tempered, that how- 
ever far they may have to stretch, they will still 
never break. 



VIII. 



letters @ne tecmlS jFatn Kecall. 

T is in Switzerland, I think, that 
women are regarded as never com- 
ing of age in the sense of being 
able to forego guardianship of some 
sort. There are times when behold- 
ing the imprudences which some 
women — women, too, well out of their teens — are 
capable of in letter-writing, one is disposed to see 
much sense in the Swiss idea, and to wish for its 
application — in a discriminating way of course — in 
America. 

Why are women whose training would lead one to 
look for wiser things, so willing, not to say eager, to 
enter on correspondences with people of whom they 
know little ; and to commit themselves in indelible 
ink, to confidences and sentiments, which in years to 
come they will remember with fear and shame ? 

Perhaps the question can be answered in a way 
rather complimentary than otherwise to our sex. The 

37 




38 A LADY AND HER LETTERS. 

average woman, even though she be " in society," as 
the phrase has it, knows, after all, comparatively little 
of the wicked and heartless world with which men are 
familiar. Her judgments of men are generally super- 
ficial and favorable. Having but little foresight, she 
has little thought of consequences. 

Hence, she drifts quickly into intimacy with the 
agreeable stranger of either sex, and, if a separation 
takes place at an early stage of this intimacy, con- 
tinues by letter the dangerous self-revealings, family 
business, or personal gossip much less dangerous by 
word of mouth. 

"What is written is written," and these foolish 
letters will outlive the intimacy of which they were 
the fruit, and be in damaging evidence, even when 
that intimacy may have turned to aversion. 

Whatever may be said of the prodigality of mutual 
confidences between women in their letters, there is 
scant excuse for the reckless effusions of women to 
men. We are not speaking now of the letters of 
lovers, on which the whole world smiles indulgently, 
but of what is called friendly correspondence. Oh, 
friendship, what mistakes are made in thy name ! 

After the folly is realized and repented of by the 
man or the woman — usually the latter — the question 
arises, " How did it ever begin ? " 



A LADY AND HER LETTERS. 



39 



Did he write first, asking her for the name of that 
book she mentioned the day before he went away ; 
and adding to the inquiry a few lines to say how much 
he missed the chats they used to have together? And 
did she answer promptly, and at much greater length, 
giving not only the name of the book, but her opinion 
of it, and stating with perhaps a little over-emphasis 
of regret, how much she too, missed the chats ? 

And did it go on, till they were exchanging letters 
twice a week — just friendly letters of course ! — when 
one day she learned on indisputable evidence that this 
man who had her photograph, and entirely too much 
of her personal history, was an utterly good-for-noth- 
ing fellow, with whom she should not have exchanged 
a line ? 

Or, did this correspondence — only friendly, she 
would say — begin to take hold on her foolish little 
heart, and did all days seem dull and dreary save 
those on which the letters came ? 

And presently did his letters begin to grow shorter 
and farther apart, and did her awaking come in the 
shape of a marked newspaper announcing his mar- 
riage, presumably to some young woman who was not 
quite so good a correspondent ? 

However it was, letters of hers are extant which she 
would give worlds to have in her own hands again. 



40 



A LADY AND HER LETTERS. 



Well for her, if her nature be so modest and sensi- 
tive that she takes the bitter lesson humbly to heart, 
and never needs a repetition of it ; for then it gives 
to her life a grace that perhaps before was lacking — 
making her distrustful of herself, and wise and merci- 
ful for others. 



IX. 



§1 Question of Common Sense* 

~|VEN where the man in question is an old 
acquaintance and a man of honor, the 
woman should still beware of any over- 
eagerness for correspondence. In these 
days, when women are so active in litera- 
ture and journalism ; when wage-earning women are 
constantly brought into every-day business relations 
with men ; and when even women of leisure, through 
their activity in religious and charitable organizations, 
have much necessary intercourse both in speech and 
letter, with the clergy, public men, their masculine as- 
sociates in good works, it is important to remember 
the good sense, consideration, and reserve which mark 
the correspondence of the wise and well-bred woman. 

In the cases suggested above, the woman is often 
obliged, by the exigencies of business or charity, to 
open the correspondence. The interchange of notes 
may be necessarily frequent, without the slightest idea 
on either part of personal interest in the writer. But 

41 




42 



A LADY AND HER LETTERS. 



if such friendly interest should be awakened, let the 
evidence of it, by all means, begin on the man's side. 

Good sense and delicacy in a woman do not imply 
prudery. If the correspondent adds to his business 
communication a friendly inquiry, or suggests an ap- 
pointment to talk over some case which it is difficult 
to settle by letter, she must not, in the name of all 
that is gracious and sensible, put into such proceed- 
ing a meaning which is far from the man's thoughts ; 
and astonish and annoy him with a coquettish or a 
prudish answer. She must be frank and simple, as 
she would be with one of her own sex in a similar 
case ; answering his kind inquiry pleasantly ; studying 
his convenience in the appointment. 

She must not expect a priest to neglect his sick- 
calls, nor any other busy man to leave his patients, or 
clients, or customers, to attend her in her drawing- 
room for a discussion of the ways and means to the 
Authors' Reading which she is getting up for her pet 
charity, the Home for Aged Couples. She must con- 
sider the time and strength of the man who is making 
the sacrifice of needed rest or recreation to assist her 
good work, and allow him to render his services in the 
way which suits him best 

I remember here the visit to Boston a few years 



A LADY AND HER LETTERS. 43 

ago of a gentlewoman famous for her position and 
ancestry, and still more widely and honorably known 
for her noble work in developing the Cottage Indus- 
tries of Ireland. She brought with her, among her 
introductions to notable Bostonians, one to a well- 
known lawyer. 

As this gentleman emerged from his private office 
one afternoon, after a long consultation with a client, 
he noticed at the end of the row of clients awaiting 
their turn, a strange lady of distinguished bearing. 
He advanced towards her, whereupon, she presented 
her letter and her coronetted card. 

" But, Lady " he exclaimed, " why did you not 

send these to me, and allow me the pleasure of calling 
on you at your hotel, in the interest of a cause which 
I also have at heart. " 

" Because your time is more precious than mine, ,, 
she answered pleasantly ; " and I am asking a service 
at your hands which, with your own professional 
duties, it will inconvenience you to render, however 
great your sympathy.'' 

The wise and truly self-respecting woman is not 
conceited. Hence, when a man honors her request 
for his co-operation in some good work, she accounts 
the service done for the sake of the work, not for her 



44 



A LADY AND HER LETTERS. 



sake ; and is always convinced that the same assent 
had been given as cheerfully to any other petitioner. 

In her written intercourse with men on matters of 
business or charity, the well-bred woman, if a widow 
or maiden, is devoid of that silly self-consciousness 
which sees in every unmarried man a possible 
admirer. 

A young woman needing information on a matter 
cf concern to her was directed to address the business 
manager of a certain publishing house, with whom she 
had already a slight acquaintance. 

But she blushed and bridled. Oh never ! how 
Could she write to him. What would people think ? 
Wasn't he a fascinating bachelor ! 

It would have been a little cruel perhaps — though 
wholesome in the long run — to answer that the corre- 
spondence could be a matter of indifference even to 
one of the participators in it, to whom it would never 
occur to think of the state in life of his inquirer. 

Let a woman be frank, amiable and devoid of self- 
consciousness in the spirit of her letters, when she 
engages in any correspondence such as is above con- 
sidered. As to the substance of it, let it be brief and 
to the point. 

Brevity should not involve curtness nor obscurity. 



A LADY AND HER LETTERS. 



45 



A letter of ten lines may be long, if the business 
could have been easily despatched in five lines. On 
the other hand, a letter of six pages may be short, if 
the importance of the business, and the necessity for 
a clear and explicit statement demand it. 

In such correspondence a woman may sometimes 
find that a man of kind heart and good intentions, to 
whom she inevitably contracts obligations on her own 
account or that of her charities, is deficient in the 
minor graces of perfect courtesy. She may find some- 
times a touch of business brusquerie which makes her 
feel she has perhaps blundered by proffering a request 
at a difficult time. But that does not excuse her for 
the omission of a single detail of consideration on her 
part, in the transaction of the business that remains 
to be done ; nor of any remissness or coldness in her 
note of thanks; nor of the obligation of showing in 
time to come her gratitude and appreciation in any 
becoming and possible way. 

She is responsible for her own behavior, and while 
she must never be importunate, no small omission on 
the part of one who serves her cordially in large things, 
justifies the showing of wounded pride by reciprocal 
omissions. 



X. 



HERE are hundreds of virtuous, 
kind-hearted, and well-bred people 
who would never transgress on any 
of the points mentioned in the 
foregoing chapters, who will yet 
impulsively attempt the difficult 
and dangerous task of rectifying their misunderstand- 
ings with friends by means of correspondence. 

Difficult, we say, for it would take reams of paper 
and quarts of ink, even under favorable circumstances, 
to accomplish the result that might be arrived at in 
an hour's conversation ; and, dangerous, because the 
parties to the correspondence being out of touch with 
each other, so to speak, the written words are capable 
according to the mood of the receiver, of taking on a 
meaning never intended, and cannot be helped out, as 
in personal intercourse, with the tones and inflections, 
the looks and the gestures which give to language half 
its meaning. 

46 




A 



LADY AND HER LETTERS, 



47 



Then, there are men and women, warm-hearted, 
demonstrative in manner, fluent in conversation, too, 
who have no facility in written expression. They chill 
and stiffen the moment they put pen to paper. 

I have known a man of this type, who, writing to 
his wife, would begin, "Dear Jane," and end, "Yours 
truly " ; and another, the kindest and fondest of 
relatives, who would write from the most interesting 
scenes, which he would describe in person with life- 
like vividness, the meagerest and driest of notes, 
without a word of endearment, and concluding in- 
variably, as he might conclude a letter to the merest 
acquaintance. I have seen the same peculiarity, 
though less frequently, with affectionate and demon- 
strative women. 

Manifestly, the person of similar temperament, but 
so fluent with his pen that his letters really reflect his 
personality, would never straighten out a tangle by 
correspondence with friends of the type above 
described. 

Let us take a case where the attempt is made. 
Two women have long been friends, but by reason of 
near neighborhood, common interests, and opportu- 
nities for frequent interchange of visits they have 
almost never had occasion for correspondence. 



4 8 



A LADY AND HER LETTERS. 



On one unfortunate evening they are together at a 
little social assemblage, or their club or charity 
meeting. Marion has had domestic worries during 
the day, and is in a morbidly sensitive condition. 
She has counted on walking home with her friend, 
and relieving her mind a little. 

Susan, not being gifted with second-sight, knows 
nothing of this; and being, moreover, quite pre- 
occupied during the evening with another old friend, 
whom she has less frequent opportunities of meeting, 
observes nothing unusual about Marion, simply ex- 
changes greetings with her, and hurries home to some 
waiting duty, without offering the explanation that she 
does not know is needed. 

If Marion were in her normal state, she would take 
no offence, and would run in the following day for a 
morning chat over her trouble. But with her mental 
vision a little awry with her own especial grievance, 
she sees everything out of proportion, and after 
brooding over her friend's unusual action half the 
night, convinces herself that she has been purposely 
snubbed and slighted. 

And then in an evil hour, she writes. Susan a 
sorrowful and mildly reproachful note, very vague as 
to the offence committed, and very clear as to her 
own wounded feelings. 



A LADY AND HER LETTERS. 



49 



Susan is mystified and hurt. Her first and best 
impulse is to go right to her friend, and find out what 
the difficulty really is. But her pride is up, and she 
won't be outdone as a letter-writer. Her response 
falls like lead on the heart of her sensitive friend. 
Letters fly back and forth for a few days. The 
writers get down in swift gradation from " Dear 
Marion " and " Dear Susan " to " Miss Jones " and 
" Miss Robinson " ; so much irrelevant matter is 
introduced that the original difficulty is lost sight of ; 
each discovers heretofore unsuspected defects and 
causes of offence in the other, and their friendship 
receives a wound which, if not fatal, is exceedingly 
dangerous and slow to heal. 

And here let us say, in all earnestness: Don't 
believe the silly sentimentalists who tell you that 
lovers or friends find their love or friendship only 
cemented by little quarrels. Things are said in these 
differences that humble and hurt, and are never, how- 
ever fervent the reconciliation, wholly forgotten ; nor 
the constraint which they occasion wholly removed. 

In the case of lovers or friends, one or other must 
be very magnanimous, patient and forbearing, if their 
mutual relations are not to be eventually the cause of 
more grief than joy. 



50 A LADY AND HER LETTERS. 

" Beware the entrance to a quarrel," but if you 
come to it, don't stand on ceremony as to who should 
take the step that safely carries both past the danger. 

Be sure you really have a grievance, before you 
demand an explanation. If you think you have, try 
to see your friend and talk it out together. You will 
generally find that you have been shying at shadows. 

If you must write, be generous. Don't accuse. In 
a case like the common one above given, say some- 
thing like this, — 

"Dear Friend : — I had wanted especially to talk 
with you last night ; and am grieved because you went 
away without seeming to know or notice. Maybe you 
had some anxiety of your own. When can I see you 
for a good chat ? " 

It may cost a little sacrifice of one's pride to write 
a note like this : but no harm can possibly come of it. 
On the contrary, it will scatter the little mist, as a 
fresh breeze would, and leave the light of your 
friendship undiminished. 



XI. 



SSR&en Silence i* ©often. 

ON'T write when you are vexed — 
however just the provocation. You 
will surely say something that you 
will later have cause to wish un- 
said. 

If you have received a captious, 
fretful, bitter, unjust, or even spite- 
ful and impertinent letter, the best 
rebuke you can possibly give the writer is absolutely 
to ignore it. To " talk back" with your pen puts the 
offender on her mettle. After she sent that letter, 
ten to one she would have been glad to call it back. 
She had a bad quarter of an hour thinking how you 
would receive it. But your answer comes at once, 
full of annoyance and pain. She begins to justify 
herself, and your peace of mind and dignity suffer. 

Pay no apparent attention to the unjust or im- 
pertinent letter. Give its writer time to think it over, 
and, in all probability, she will eventually see her 

5« 




52 A LADY AND HER LETTERS. 

blunder and try to repair it. If she does not, you are 
still the gainer by ceasing to hold intercourse with her. 

Christian charity obliges us to feel kindiy and act 
kindly to all ; but it does not oblige us to invite insults 
for the sake of forgiving them ; nor to keep our minds 
in a state of unrest and sadness by intercourse with 
people to whom we are not bound by duty, and with 
whom, by reason of difference in temperament and 
training, we could never assimilate. 

Outside of such cases as the above, however, a lady 
tries to answer as promptly and fully as possible all 
the letters which she receives. 

Business letters, for obvious reasons, should never 
be allowed to stand unanswered. Remittances should 
be immediately acknowledged ; if only by a line or 
two. Accounts rendered should be met by full pay- 
ment, if possible ; partial payment as next best thing ; 
or a word of courteous explanation, if the delay of 
payment be inevitable. 

If you have given your name as a reference — and 
need w r e emphasize the necessity for caution and con- 
science in doing this ? - — to any one seeking employ- 
ment, be prompt in answering the letter of his or her 
possible employer. Remember that the whole future 
of a fellow-being may hang on your prompt and kind 
keeping of your word. 



A LADY AND HER LETTERS. 53 

A question arises here as to how far the men and 
women whose reputation makes them, in a sense, 
public characters, are in conscience or courtesy bound 
to answer the questions which the mail is constantly 
pouring in upon them. It were a heavy task to count 
the requests for financial assistance, for employment, 
for " influence," for advice, for co-operation in charita- 
ble schemes, that beset the public man, or the woman 
of letters, in the course of a month, both from friends 
and acquaintances and from absolute strangers. It is 
part of the penalty of fame. 

" I should have to employ an extra clerk, and in- 
crease my income about $10,000 a year to be able to 
cover these demands," said an eminent professional 
man, of his own case. 

And a well-known woman of letters declared that 
she would need about three hours a day to cover the 
interrogations that drifted in daily to her desk. 

" I have had scarcely a letter to-day,' ' she said, 
pointing to a large pile, " that did not contain a re- 
quest for something or other, most of them preferred 
by people I never saw nor heard of." 

Mrs. S. encloses tickets for the appearance, under 
her patronage of a young dramatic reader — " A very 
select affair, dear; right in my own drawing-room. 



54 



A LADY AND HER LETTERS. 



Tickets $2 apiece, and you won't mind taking three, 
to help the dear girl." 

Miss Brown, of whom an intimate friend says that 
she lies awake nights devising schemes to plunder her 
friends in the interest of her beneficiaries, invites a 
subscription of ten dollars to a testimonial which she 
is getting up for a most estimable lady who needs a 
trip to Europe for her health. 

A young widow, a perfect stranger, writes from New 
Orleans to ask her to find a newspaper correspondence 
for her in Boston. She thinks she can write ; she once 
won a prize for a Prohibition story. 

Another woman dumps upon the long-suffering 
author a MS. of two hundred pages, requesting a 
written criticism of it, at her earliest convenience. 

A college youth wants material for a certain bio- 
graphical sketch which he is asked to prepare for the 
commencement. 

A young teacher wants paying work on a newspaper 
during her summer vacation so she " won't lose any 
time." 

A man who is getting up a library for sailors wants 
autograph copies of all her works. 

A pious lady who is conducting a journal for a 
church fair wants from her an article for each of its 
six issues — the first one to be delivered to-morrow. 



A LADY AND HER LETTERS. 



55 



Miss E., whom she knows but slightly, asks her 
to arrange a lecture tour for her through the New 
England States. 

And Miss F., whom she never met but once, and 
of whom she knows absolutely nothing, wants per- 
mission to use her name as a reference in her applica- 
tion for a place as invalid's companion. 

How should this woman, with more demands on 
her time and money than she can possibly respond to, 
dispose of these letters ? 

She should have the courage to return out of the 
three tickets for the dramatic recital, the two which 
she cannot afford to take. 

Prudence, as well as kindness, may oblige her to 
participate in the testimonial; but she will not offend 
against charity nor courtesy by returning the MS. 
unread, referring the college youth to the Public 
Library, and letting the rest of the letters go by 
default. 

A lady will think more than twice before she writes 
a letter to an absolute stranger, especially a letter 
soliciting a favor. 

The fact that the literary, or musical, or artistic 
work of man or woman is before the public, does not 
make the author, or musical composer, or artist, public 
property. 



56 



A LADY AND HER LETTERS. 



We do not speak, now, of course, of the letters of 
appreciation and grateful acknowledgment to author or 
artist for pleasure or benefit derived from his book, 
or song, or picture ; nor the word of intelligent criti- 
cism, or suggestion, or even remonstrance, which is 
sometimes in order; nor the welcome line of en- 
couragement which the older worker sends out of a 
kind and helpful heart to the young beginner on the 
road to the temple of fame. 

We speak only of the unreason of writing to one of 
whose private life and circumstances we know noth- 
ing, but whose public work is manifestly of a nature 
to absorb most of his time and strength, to request 
services which would involve a great outlay of both, 
especially when he knows nothing of our character nor 
capabilities except what our exceedingly inconsiderate 
letter reveals. 

The public man or the woman of letters is under 
no obligation to take the slightest notice of these 
petitions. It is a stretch of kindness and courtesy, if 
he or she send a line of acknowledgment and regret. 

If we but stop a moment and consider what the 
obligatory labor of the statesman and the successful 
author must be ; also, that they probably have in 
addition family cares, and that being mere mortals 



A LADY AND HER LETTERS. 



57 



they need rest and recreation, we will hesitate before 
we write in the interest of the Women's Rest Tour to 
Bourke Cochran or Frederic Coudert ; or ask Richard 
Malcolm Johnston to read our little MS. novel of five 
hundred pages ; or Edmund Clarence Stedman to look 
up a publisher and secure favorable terms for our first 
volume of poems ; or Agnes Repplier to arrange the 
course of lectures which we long to give but which the 
world is not, perhaps, quite ready for. Nor shall we 
expect the overworked journalist, whose time is but 
little at his own disposal, to go about arranging syn- 
dicates for us. 

Such requests as above alluded to are made in 
utter ignorance of the time and effort which are 
needed, even under reasonable and favorable con- 
ditions, to set such enterprises as we are interested 
in afloat. 

It should be needless to say that we should not ask 
references of people who do not know us ; and yet 
what prominent personage has not been called upon 
to stand social or business sponsor to people of whom 
he hardly knows the face and name ? 

Again, let us be considerate in the pushing of good 
works, and the solicitation of financial help, with 
public men, however rich they are reputed to be, or 



A LADY AND HER LETTERS. 



however generous ; or how worthy, soever, the charity 
we are forwarding. 

We are doubtless but one of many, and there is a 
limit to the longest purse. 



XII. 



Lttttx* of Courteotta anH Lotoms SDtttj. 

UT for ourselves, who are not rich 
nor famous, and whose correspon- 
dence, therefore, is only of the 
ordinary family, friendly, and social 
order, let us answer promptly those 
letters which demand response. 

Such, of course, are all invitations 
to social functions. It is not 
enough, in such cases, to assume that " silence gives 
consent " ; one should write at once and definitely 
whether or not one can accept the invitation to a 
dinner-party, ball, musical, luncheon, tea, formal 
reception, or other social event. 
The reason for this is obvious. 

For her table arrangements, grouping of guests, etc., 
the hostess needs to know as early as possible how 
many and whom she must plan for. And this holds 
as good for the little social events among people of 
moderate means as the great "functions 99 among the 
late Ward McAllister's " Four Hundred." , q 




60 A LADY AND HER LETTERS. 

There is only one way to acknowledge a formal in- 
vitation ; and that is by a formal note of acceptance 
or regret, addressed to the one who sends the invita- 
tion. One may be very well acquainted with the 
sister or cousin or aunt of the prospective hostess, but 
one is not therefore justified in sending word by any 
of these personages — " I'll come." 

There are few things which conduce more to the 
preservation of cordial and unconstrained intercourse 
even between intimate friends, or prospective relatives 
than the observance of the little formalities instituted 
to keep society pleasantly together. Why should one's 
dearest friend, or one's sister or brother who, residing 
at the other end of a large city is sometimes more 
easily reached by a note than by a personal visit, 
neglect to answer as to whether or not he or she can 
meet the friends from Philadelphia to whom one is to 
give a tea the next Sunday evening ? Let us consider 
as we would be considered in all these things. 

A lady is prompt in her letters of congratulation to 
her relatives and friends, whom she cannot reach in 
person, on all the occasions which custom and good 
feeling decide to be so remembered; as betrothals, 
marriages, birthdays, and wedding anniversaries ; or- 
dinations and religious professions, and their more 



A LADY AND HER LETTERS. 6l 

important anniversaries, as silver and golden jubilee 
days ; notable accessions of fortune or honor. 

Such letters should not be perfunctory, but hearty 
and joyous. No irrelevant matter — especially of an 
uncongenial kind — should be introduced. The writer 
should not point morals, nor draw contrasts, nor inti- 
mate that love may fail, and that fortune is fickle. 
Half-hearted and grudging congratulations are better 
unsaid ; and compliments with a monition included 
are not allowable, at least between people of equal 
age and condition. 

Letters of sympathy are even a more delicate test of 
the good feeling and good taste of the writer. The 
condolences that are sent with evident intention to save 
the writer the trouble, or the strain on her feelings, of 
a personal call, were much better unwritten. 

"But I never know what to say on a call of condo- 
lence," says a young friend. "And I'd rather go 
without my breakfast than write a letter of con- 
dolence." 

The question is rather of what not to say at such 
calls, and in our letters of sympathy. But the right 
thing and the kind thing is to call on your bereaved 
friend as soon as possible after the bereavement. 
She may not be able to see you, but she will certainly 



62 



A LADY AND HER LETTERS. 



appreciate your thought of her. But if she can see 
you, your sympathetic silence, the tender clasp of 
your hand, your very presence will say everything. 
If, however, distance or other good cause hinders 
your call, be very careful about your letter. The 
bereaved heart is sensitive. I beg you will not write 
that you meant to call, but the day was so hot, or so 
cold, or so rainy. Or that you would have come on 
a certain afternoon, only it was so hard to get a car — 
as if there were not seven afternoons and as many 
mornings and evenings in a week! Or, you thought 
of calling on a certain day, but you had to go out to 
Cohasset to those delightful people, the Gays ; and 
so on. These examples are not drawn from fancy ; I 
have very lately seen letters of condolence on the 
above plan, and from one who would be painfully 
surprised if she knew that any one questioned either 
her politeness or her kindness of heart. 

Letters of this sort offend against courtesy and 
kindness both. 

The thought which will rectify our action in such 
cases is " How would I like to be dealt with in my 
own sorrow ? " 

You know you would not like to sit solitary in the 
desolated house in the first dreadful weeks following 



A LADY AND HER LETTERS. 



63 



on death's visit. You know it would grieve you to 
find that a friend — lavish, in sunny days, of protesta- 
tions of affection — would not bear a trifling discom- 
fort from heat or cold, nor postpone a pleasure for 
your sake in your sorrow. 

Don't take the preacher's tone in your letters. Let 
them show, especially in the first weeks of bereave- 
ment, that you share your friend's grief. Speak of the 
Divine consolations, and of resignation to the Divine 
Will, but tenderly, modestly, humbly, that the sorrow- 
ing heart may not feel chilled nor rebuked. 

Here, especially, the respective relations of writer 
and recipient must be sedulously remembered. Here, 
again, even more carefully than in letters of opposite 
character, are the formal and perfunctory to be 
avoided. 

After all, the kind and considerate heart alone can 
guide the hand aright in letters of sympathy and all 
other correspondence. 



XIII. 



SUS&at to So but?) gnonprnotts letter 

OR a last word let us touch briefly on 
that epistolary pest, the anonymous 
letter. I will not say that a lady never 
receives one. There are too many 
spiteful and envious people in the 
world, for the winner of any notable 
success not to be the probable target of these poison- 
tipped darts, whose point of departure cannot be 
traced back. 

Yet I have known more than one woman of suffi- 
ciently marked social or professional success, and 
charm of person or manner to make her an object of 
envy to small and jealous natures, who, notwithstand- 
ing, never received an anonymous letter ; just as she 
never received distasteful observation or attention in 
travelling. Such a woman is of the few who, by the 
meekness with which they wear their distinction, and 
their unremitting kindness and interest in others' suc- 
cesses, somewhat veil their own, and by disarming 
jealousy, escape its more active demonstrations. 64 




A LADY AND HER LETTERS. 



65 



But such women are but a small fraction of one per 
cent, of the attractive and successful of their sex. 

The favorite feminine target of the anonymous 
letter-writer seems to be the woman who is receiving 
marked attentions or who is known to be engaged. 
The phenomenal woman above noted escapes the 
anonymous letter- writer by an unannounced and very 
brief engagement. But for the average young be- 
trothed, half the joy of the time is in her right to 
receive her lover's open devotion and to show her 
pride in him ; in the family festivities and the con- 
gratulations of her friends. But some day comes the 
letter signed " A Friend/' " A Well- Wisher," " One 
Who Knows," or any other cowardly mask of a signa- 
ture. There are dark hints, ordinarily reflecting on 
the past or present life of her lover, sometimes thinly 
disguised jests or gibes. But the object is always the 
same — to excite suspicion and thus poison happiness. 
The young wife, as well as the young betrothed, is 
often the victim of these vicious missives. 

Now what does a prudent woman, with proper 
respect for herself and for the man to whom she is 
betrothed, or whose name she bears, under such cir- 
cumstances ? Just one thing. She burns the anony- 
mous letter and forgets it. She does not carry it one 



66 



A LADY AND HER LETTERS. 



hour on her person ; she takes no one into her confi- 
dence about it ; she makes no attempt to identify the 
handwriting. She contemptuously ignores it, and 
goes her way untroubled. 

There may be an exceptional case of persecution 
by anonymous letter which will justify man or woman 
in having recourse to the protection of the law ; but 
ordinarily, the letters cease if they are disregarded, 
and this is true of anonymous letters of every sort. 

The anonymous troubler of your peace has an eye 
on you, be sure. If he find that the poisoned arrows 
are broken against the granite of your confidence 
and reserve, he will soon tire of the amusement of 
shooting them at you, and will try them on more 
vulnerable material. 

Need we add that a lady never, for any conceivable 
motive, writes an anonymous letter ? There is never 
a justification for it. One should not write a line to 
any human being on any subject to which one would 
shrink from affixing the full signature. 

The anonymous letter, whose contents are trivial 
and innocent, is silly ; the anonymous letter contain- 
ing a grave charge is cowardly. If you know that a 
danger threatens a friend, give her warning, and tell 
her honestly on what your apprehensions are founded. 



A LADY AND HER LETTERS. 6j 

Or, in the case of the young and inexperienced, warn 
parents or guardians. 

If you cannot do this, hold your peace. 

Another thing — let nothing tempt a woman into 
anything like a familiar correspondence with man or 
woman whom she has never seen, and as to whose 
personality and circumstances she has no reliable in- 
formation. If any one wants to know, not the danger- 
ous, but the ridiculous and unpleasant possibilities of 
such a correspondence, let her read that clever story 
of Maria Edge worth's, "L'Amie Inconnue," which we 
would like better with the plain English title of " The 
Unknown Friend." 

If the foregoing little papers, collected in their pres- 
ent form at the request of many friends, need justifica- 
tion may it not be found in the tremendous postal 
service, one-third at least of whose energies are em- 
ployed in the transmission of letters which should 
never have been written ? 



